Horn$leth City

Jeff Matthews

WakingfogwakingwhereamIan$weronei$uhhhhh! $hakeywakey, ok like that, what'$ up, where am I? Yeah on $hawarma Road the Middle Ea$tern pita $andwich highway $omewhere in Kebabi$tan, about to order me a large, ok, me like. Pizzadude dope$ around with ninja $word/paper towel roll, pretty much out of touch.
"Hey, excu$e me, if that'$ mine you're making, that'$ without onion$ … thank$." He roll$ over here making thru$tingfucking motion$ in the air.
"Fuck me, Daddy!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" He apparently i$n't planning on an$wering, $way$ back to hi$ food. White noi$e from the kebab machine. I zone out the window. Yo, that dude i$ $tealing a bike, my fucking $teel hor$e. Jet out through the door after him in $uper$peed$lo$hed$print but he doe$ a French Connection through the traffic light. Gone. Damnit! Kill him fuckin next time. Fuck it, now I gotta get my large, and get back to how I'm getting home. How about a taxa, geniou$? Hmmm, fir$t eat$. Back in the $harwama bar agai… whoa, fuck! The door i$ locked. $ign on the door:
Clo$ed becau$e of futility.
The an$wer i$ uuhhh! Again. Don't care, 'll ju$t $teal that bike there! Do mind if I fuckin' do, like tha… fuck here come$ a nigga in Tarzan pantie$ with a red RAPE tag yelling and $creaming: "Horn$leth Horn$leth horn $leth!" Hey that'$ fuckin … i$n't it? Fo' $ure think that'$ Kofi Annan, ju$t a bit $trange, if that'$ hi$ ride I lifted. He'$ all up in my face now with nunchaku$ and all that:
"Fuck you, bikelover! Horn$leth Horn$leth Horn$leth!"
"Pipe down, Mandela! Didn't know it wa$ your ride, yo? Reeelax!" Now he'$ $uddenly got a huge army walkie-talkie; yell$ order$ in it while he Bruce Lee'$ it with the nunchaku$ my way & now the whole antiterror team come$ $liding down black rope$ from invi$ible chopper$ in con$piracy-heaven. Under afuckingrre$t. On the drama bu$ to $tation Headquarter$. Check in, relax, take a $hower.
Topgun 1 &2 barge in, lamp to face, interrogation begin$:
"Horn$lethhorn$lethho rn $le th! Horn?"
"I don't think I quite under$ta…"
"HORN$LETH!" Fi$t to face. Hurt$ a bit!
"Horn$leth? Ho horn$lethhorn, horn$leth?"

Ok. What in the fucking hell i$ happening here. Everybody $peak$ horn$lethi$h.
Maybe a bit too much Malkovitchi$h for my ta$te. And how did I get mixed up in all thi$?
Fla$hback $tart:
Artparty at Horn$leth'$, huge black location with Horn$leth painting$ all over. A $tage, limelight; a Mr. writer ju$t got fini$hed reading. $tanding applau$e.
$ome two-bit nervou$ jerk, dre$$ed like a writer read$ kiddie porn badly out of a $upermarket catalog. 3 and a half minute$ and out.
Pornoperformer thrown up on $tage, "Here are 200 poem$, you may not $top reading until you have $hot your money$hot!" Another performer join$ him and begin$ blowing him. Read$ 78 poem$ with a bit of a broken arrow, without coming, the limelight i$ cut, out.
Italian Gay Wedding $inger $ing$ karoke to hi$ own playback of a hit. Get$ jerked of the $tage by a cane around the neck, $cream$ hi$ la$t de$perate me$$age: "$OMETIME$, HYPE I$ A COVER-UP FOR NOTHING LEFT TO $AY!"
Back to bar:
"Yeah, Horn$leth, my fuckin be$t friend. Now we've got to fuckin have a drink!"
"Take all you want, but I don't want any…" Uhhwhat?
The great mon$ter p$ychopath Mr. Kri$tian von Horn$leth not have a little gulp?
"…I can't remember the 80$!"
"Okay, fair play. But I'm gonna fuckin have $ome!"
"Go ball$ out, on me." He $ignal$ to the bj that I'm greenlighted and fade$ into the party ma$$. Bj coming thi$ way.
"A double 7 $nap$, thank$."
"$orry, we're out of $nap$, but you can have a Horn$leth."
"What the fuck i$ that?"
"You'll find out now, won't you?"
"Don't mind if I fuckin do!" Bang, gulp it. Mmmm. Me like!
"Hey, $tick me a couple more of tho$e for my other leg, on Horn$leth!"
Fuck, don't know what thi$ i$ made of, but it'$ fucking working, with a Margharita-rim, ju$t rolled in e in$tead of $ugar. Me like. 2 redneck type$ from the $ideline:
"Whoa, thi$ i$ $treet thi$ here! $o $treet it hurt$!"
"Yeah, $o $treet that it hurt$." Fuck I hate tho$e !Århu$! i$ the world'$ capital-geek$ that Dani$hize tried and true American phra$e$ & really believe that it become$ haha fuckin better in Dani$h. But the mu$ic i$ fortunately louder now. Blowjumping on the dance floor me & Torrance Community Dance Group. Dj Dal Kooldridge make$ $ome noi$e. Everything $wirl$ around in my head all my $ight nerve$ totally gone.
End Fla$hback.
Back in $tation Headquarter$ flickering neon, fuck naked. $canning my body, fuck, thi$ can't be happening! What the fuck i$ happening? My reflection fla$he$ up in the interrogation mirror:
My entire body i$ covered in marker with ndsæt Hornsleth grafik her]

Fuck you, Horn$leth lover$!

Jeff Matthews, Danish writer based in Copenhagen, 2005

This text was published the first time in the book Fuck You Art Lovers Forever,
Kristian von Hornsleth, Futilistic Publishing, Copenhagen 2005.

You can buy the book on www.hornsleth.com